Minor New Year's Resolution

I was actually able to take a poo in the office! Finally, I feel like I accomplished something grand!

Bed-Ridden

To anyone who went to any of the potential shows I had this week, I'm sorry to say I had to cancel. I was feverishly sick all day Tuesday and Wednesday wasn't that much better. After two days AWOL, I finally trucked it into work today but I'm in more pain than an 80-year-old woman who doesn't get enough calcium.

Damn this freaking flu going around. This is the problem with temping hourly. No paid sick days. Also, no health insurance...but that's another story.

Around The City Shows

Some stuff I'm doing in the city:

Monday January 14th: Pine Tree Lodge
326 East 35th Street (bet. 2nd and 1st Avenue)
9 PM - 10 PM
COST: FREE
Joe Dixon and I run this short show with great comics. Plus we're re-enacting our old contest o' champions! Where any random audience member can win a super-kewl prize (TM). I host this every Monday, so come by and get free $h!7.

Featuring Mike Lawrence, Jessica Delfino, Darrell Shipley, Kendra Cunningham

Tuesday January 15: Alibi Lounge - Comedy For The F*$% of It!
116 MacDougal Street (between West 3rd and Bleecker)
8 PM - 10 PM
COST: FREE
Really cool show hosted by really cool comedian DEL. Usually free give-aways and what not.

Saturday February 2nd: The PIT - Naked Comedy Show
154 West 29th Street (close to 7th Ave)
I'll be baring more than just my soul at this clothing free showcase of jocularity! Featuring Rob O'Reilly and Andy Ofiesh.
8 PM
COST $10

I'm working on re-doing my MySpace but when I do, it's on! Check it out for a list of other shows so you can see my wit live. Oh yeah! Plus I'm working on a new performance art set. Should be fun...

It Goes There

DeGrassi marathons have my warped my head. They taught me about a new type of person: a man-cer. That's a man who lives with cancer and doesn't cry about it. Also, a Canadian actor who can't subtly display emotions.

I've got to make a big decision. And instead of deliberating, I procrastinate. My work ethic is so bad that I can't even think of an end to this joke.

My Apologies For Previous Entries

Ugh no more drunk blogging. I think that's what killed the dinosaurs.

Comic on Comedians #1b: Andy Kindler and Patton Oswalt

Addendum: I think Patton Oswalt is like Andy Kindler, except less whiny. They're both so aware of the dubious famous-ness of the comedy business. It's a cckiness I wish I could have as a stage persona.

Comic on Comedians #1: Andy Kindler and Patton Oswalt

Wow, Andy Kindler is fucking amazing. I just saw his stand-up. It's a perfect whiny joke-telling character. They're really good at their persona characters. Wow, it's weird. Classic 80s comedians have such characters about them. They feel plastic and yet, they're still clever at the same time. It's an odd feeling, to see comedy of the 80s feel original, yet are actually so manufactured, so meticulously picked out. Everything in the 80s is experimental, and yet so calculated at the same time. I think there was a lot of foresight in terms of distilled popular culture in the 80s. As opposed to the 2000s, where there is just too much information. The internet has destroyed our notion of privacy. In essence we can all expose the truth about ourselves. There are blogs, and internet voyeurs, and social networking sites. They are so addictive. It's impossible to not check your friendship status, see how virtually popular you are. It is ridiculous. Ha ha.

NVR SAY NVR

I'm trying to put together a new CD based on "love songs." The only song I decided on was Romeo Void's "Never Say Never." I think my inner romantic is a smarmy early 80s tool.

For those of you who don't know Romeo Void, here's a link to one of their favored songs. Most memorable catch-phrase: I might like you better if we slept together.

Though I like the line, I have to disagree. If I really hate someone, sometimes I think "Maybe I would like you better if we slept together." (which is admittedly an awkward thought when applied to ex-bosses or that homeless lady who preaches on the train). But having sex with a homeless lady probably wouldn't raise my opinion of her. I'd probably hate myself more if we slept together.

Besides, sex isn't like karaoke. I always like people better after I've sung horribly off-key with them. In fact, I would totally love a homeless person who wanted to do karaoke with me. I would probably give her $10 and a 40 of Old English. Maybe I'd take her home, give her a hot bath and a meal. And then...maybe I'd sleep with her. Which would bring me back to hating myself.

Damn! Even my alterna-logic is failing me. Or maybe I just don't like homeless people. Which is a really insensitive thought to have. Sad face.

The 8 Jokes I Never Want To Hear Again In 2008

In lieu of resolutions, I have decided to pass along knowledge to my fellow man. Thus I give you "The 8 Jokes I Never Ever EVER Want To Hear Again in 2008." This goes out to all my fellow comedians/writers/drunk storytellers.

(1) Jokes with the structure: "I like ___. I think that makes me a ___; my friends think that makes me a faggot."

WHY: Because we get it; you like something weird and metrosexual. That you have to resort to calling it gay makes you sound bigoted. The shock value of the word has long worn off, and you just look desperate now. Plus it's such a simplistic feint that it looks like you get all your jokes from the Christian right.

(2) "Why do white people act like X (irrational and verbose) but black people act like Y (rational but ignorant-sounding)?" and the remix "Why are all Asians like X (stereotypical 'Engrish' voice)?"

WHY: Because these jokes stopped being funny when desegregation happened. Seriously, it's not insightful to say that white people and black people act differently - especially not in New York City where pretty much everyone acts like they're insane. Maybe one day when Jim Crow laws go back in style and you have to peek over an electric fence at your differently-raced neighbors and muse about why chopsticks "be all silly and shit," then this could be considered valid material. But right now, you sound like Archie Bunker without the ironic and inherent cleverness (i.e. LAME!).

(3) Jokes that involve Arnold Schwartzenegger/Samuel L. Jackson accents.

WHY: Because no one does a good Schwartzenegger or Jackson accent. Schwartzenegger has been in office for four years now; let it go. Snakes on a Plane happened like 2 years ago; either buy the DVD or move on.

(4) Myspace/Facebook/Friendster/social networking site jokes.

WHY: Because you look like a tool when you have 2,000,000 i-friends and yet you're making fun of the site that's helping you get bookings and a cult following. As an aside, yes I do have a Myspace joke, but it's based on a true story...and I plan to drop it in a couple months.

(5) Jokes about the Puerto Rican Day/Dominican/West Indian parade

WHY: Because jokes hinged on the premise of minorities congregating together, getting drunk, and stealing from and raping white women aren't funny, they're just "Birth of a Nation Redux." Refer to the white people/black people/Asian people argument basically.

(6) Jokes about Britney Spears

WHY: Because it looks like you subscribe to Us Weekly and obsessively read Perez Hilton's blog; two places I don't even look at as an authority on fake celebrity news. Watch the Britney Spears Trade Wreck (TM) was never entertaining; it's just so WTFever. Whenever I hear a Britney joke, I just yawn and go "Wow, you spent 2 minutes on that, you realize you're going to need REAL MATERIAL now." Plus "Best Week Ever" and "The Soup" already do those jokes...and they do it better than you. Just follow the lead of that crazy androgynous kid and "Leave Britney alone!"

(7) Jokes about local comics

WHY: Because at the end of the day, it's lazy and it's rude. We're not in high school anymore; if you have nothing nice to say about another comic, don't say anything at all.

(8) BUSH JOKES!!!!!

WHY: Because...just stop it! I get it: George Bush is controversial. George Bush had substance abuse problems. Guess what? - it's not clever anymore. Hell, at this point it's actually funny to just listen to the President speak than to hear some bad comic do a bad Bush impersonation and then go "Look how politically savvy I am!" Newsflash: you're not! Bush jokes has been done to death and decomposed. If you're going to be political, do some real research and find a corrupt politician. All you need to do is spend 10 minutes on Wikipedia and you can find somebody.

-There it is, folks. You can either listen to my advice or not; your mileage may vary. But if I hear any variations on these jokes, I will walk out of the room (either mentally or physically) and never return for the rest of your set. Unless you're able to reinvent the wheel on these hack jokes. Which is doubtful.

Happy New Year!

2008 - Slightly Less Racist Than 1958

Tell me if I'm overreacting.

At around 9:30 PM I left my apartment to get cigarettes. I wore a black hooded sweater jacket, light blue jeans, and black sneakers. I reach the store, get my smokes, and walk the long way back so I can enjoy my cigarette. Because it was cold I was walking quickly and reached my building far too soon. Usually, when this happens, I walk around to a spot where I can finish, but there were vagrants there, and quite frankly I didn't want to have any potential discussions with the homeless. So, I stand 1/4 block away from my door near a security post and finish my cigarette. I go inside, and prepare to open the inner door to the building, when three people (2 white and 1 East Asian) enter the vestibule. One says "Um, you don't live here."

To which I responded: "Yes I do" and showed my keys.

They continue to try and disprove the fact that I live here and I have to dangle my keys (literally!) and tell them where I live and my alma mater before I can get into my own house. Mind you, it's freezing and late.

To their credit, the three apologized and explained that because of recent criminal activity, they wanted to make sure I am who I say I am. But still...er...I had keys, what the fuck?!

Now I am not the type to cry "Racism!" but I think this is a practical case where the "R" word would best characterize the situation. Maybe the hoodie and black sneakers are "criminal uniform." But I also didn't know that criminals wear tinted prescription glasses or would do something as conspicuous as stand by a security booth, smoking a cigarette, and drawing attention to themselves. And let's not forget the major fact: I HAD KEYS!

While I understand the "need to verify," I can't help but wonder if the situation were different if my skin color was different. I shouldn't have to leave my building wearing my college sweatshirt and an alumni ring. And I shouldn't have to explain to people where I live and where I'm from. And wearing a hoodie in 35 degree weather isn't sketchy, it's practical.

The question of finding out who I am and whether I lived in their building could have been braced more tactfully, e.g., "I've never seen you here before." But the automatic assumption from white residents that because I smoke and wear a hoodie, I don't live here and am a criminal is very disturbing and offensive.

So to the group of three who wanted to make sure I wasn't coming in to rob them and rape their white women, I appreciate your vigilance but this is one black guy you don't have to be afraid of.

Moral: I have to go out and get cigarettes in suits. Or $100 sweaters without hoods. Especially no hoods.